


With a Side of Canadian Ham

by AndyAO3, potionsmaster



Series: the Normandy Standard of Normal [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Bacon, Beaver Fever, Canadian bacon, Crazy Canuck, Let me ride my moose, M/M, Maple syrup is sticky, O Canada
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-20
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-24 22:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3786769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AndyAO3/pseuds/AndyAO3, https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Late night Skype convos turn up some interesting ideas.  Let's leave it at that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With a Side of Canadian Ham

**Author's Note:**

> So this is what happens when we talk about character's accents and nationalities, then wonder aloud why the Canadian one doesn't ever say 'eh'. (Ok, I'm the one who said that....I also lamented that he didn't have a beaver and maple leaf tat somewhere. Because I'm upholding all the awful, stereotypical behaviors that other countries believe about America. *thumbs up*) Takes place in the WYWH universe on their way to Feros. Part 1 of “the Normandy Standard of Normal”.~potionsmaster

_**With a Side of Canadian Ham** _ , by potionsmaster and AndyAO3

 

Rating: T for minor language

~*~*~*~

 

Ashley leaned on the back of the pilot's chair, much to Joker's annoyance. Nobody else but Shepard would even think to touch it, and even then the commander hardly ever did. He glared at her over his shoulder, willing her to move. She was ignoring him, watching the stars go by out the observation windows. He heaved a sigh, hoping she'd get the hint. She didn't.

 

“Fitting in ok with the rest of the crew?” he asked, hoping to shake her out of her thoughts and get her to _stop touching his chair._ He had heard through some reliable sources that Ash was feeling a little out of place and unwelcome; she had, through no fault of her own, taken Jenkins' spot on the roster and not all of the crew had been able to disassociate themselves from all that entailed. Joker had even heard Shepard questioning Anderson about her being so readily added to the crew manifest while they were en-route to the Citadel after the failed mission.

 

She winced slightly at the question, shoulders stiffening. “I guess...” she said, “It helps that Skipper's taking me on more missions. Does he always take LT?”

 

“Uh, seems to. Shepard says their fighting styles work the best together.”

 

Ashley nodded. “Why does he take Vakarian, then, if they're both snipers?”

 

“You'd have to ask him. I dunno; I'm not on the fire squad like you.”

 

“Pfff, only barely,” she scoffed, “I thought I was permanently benched after the Citadel.” She finally stopped leaning on the headrest and walked closer to the observation windows. Joker felt a little bad that she was having difficulties fitting in, but then again she wasn't the easiest person to get along with.

 

“Yeah, well. You wouldn't be here if you weren't needed. That's what Shepard says.”

 

“That's what Shepard _always_ says, Joker...”

 

“Know what else he always says? 'You should talk to the crew more, get to know them.' I hear him say that to everybody.”

 

“I've tried.”

 

“And?”

 

She shrugged. Joker rolled his eyes.

 

“Seriously, Williams, you can't just block everybody out. Have you actually talked to anybody?”

 

“Yeah,” came the sullen answer, “I asked LT a few things, and Dr Chakwas, too.”

 

“So? What'd you find out?” He was annoyed that he had to get it out of her line by line.

 

“Hmm...the doctor doesn't have any kids. And LT is Canadian. He doesn't really act like it, though...”

 

That piqued his interest.

 

“How is he _supposed_ to act?” Ash turned to look at him, an impish look on her face.

 

“He doesn't have the accent, and he definitely doesn't look like a lumberjack.” Joker snorted at that; he couldn't help picturing the fussy biotic with a beard and plaid coat covered in sawdust.

 

“Maybe you should ask him why he's ashamed of being a Canuck.”

 

“Dare me to?”

 

“5 creds says you chicken out.”

 

“You're on.”

 

“Alright, let's go.” She lifted an eyebrow as he struggled to get out of the chair.

 

“What, right now?” He leaned heavily on his crutches and started to make his way down the CIC.

 

“Yep. Knowing him, he'll be in the mess right now. It's breakfast. And you're helping me down the stairs.”

 

~*~*~*~

 

They found him sitting with some of the other crew in a hard, molded plastic chair in the mess, working on a plate of scrambled eggs, bagel and cream cheese, a fruit cup, and a mug full of fresh brewed battery acid that was labeled 'coffee'. He looked between them in surprise.

 

“You slumming it today, Joker? What brings you down to crew deck?”

 

“Check up with Chakwas in a bit; thought I'd stretch my legs,” he sighed as he sank into a chair opposite of Kaidan. Tali patted the seat next to her as an invitation to Ashley; for all the dislike Ash had for Liara, she seemed to take a shine to the quarian. Joker poked at Kaidan's fruit cup.

 

“You gonna finish that?”

 

That earned him a hard look as the lieutenant moved it out of the pilot's reach.

 

“Uh, yeah. Remember the last time you stole my fruit cup?”

 

Ashley leaned forward.

 

“What happened? I wasn't on crew deck for that.” Both Kaidan and Joker looked at her, the lieutenant sizing her up.

 

“He damn near threw the table across the deck with his biotics because I wouldn't give it up,” Joker replied.

 

“No, I didn't, I just flared at you to scare you. Apparently it worked, since you yelled loud enough to get Shepard out here. You know I need more calories than other crew members. And we had just gotten back from a six hour recon. Food was sort of a priority, especially since dinner had been over for two hours at that point.”

 

“Uh-oh, the human trash compactor is peeved again...Did you forget that you smashed your fist into the table, too?” Kaidan huffed a small laugh at that.

 

“Just don't touch my food, and we'll be good.”

 

“Noted, LT....you're kinda scary sometimes,” Ash said. Joker prodded her with one of his crutches under the table. “I got a question for you, though.” The lieutenant focused on her as he sipped his coffee.

 

“Fire away, Chief.”

 

“Why don't you act more Canadian?” she blurted out. He blinked at her, eggs falling off the fork paused between his plate and his mouth. Garrus coughed behind a clawed fist.

 

“You're joking, right?” he said darkly, quirking a heavy brow at her. She flushed, feeling the heat spread across her cheeks. Joker leaned forward in anticipation. Ash raised her chin in defiance.

 

“No. Why don't you ever talk about hockey, or moose, or whatever it is Canadians talk about? The only Canadian thing I've heard you say is 'sorry' a million times.” Kaidan blinked again as he put his fork carefully on his plate. Tali and Garrus looked up in interest.

 

“You have _got_ to be shitting me...”

 

“No, no, we're serious! Like, you don't act Canadian at all. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but what's _with_ that?” Joker leaned forward earnestly on his elbows. Wrex glanced between the three of them, not really sure what was happening.

 

“Is being Canadian like being from a different clan or something?” he rumbled, “Different traditions and battle songs?”

 

Liara pushed her food tray away from her as she added, “Actually, that's not a bad way to equate it to something you're familiar with, Wrex. Canada does not exist anymore as a country, but the culture is still prevalent.”

 

Ash rolled her eyes at Joker and he shook his head back at her. He didn't get why she wouldn't give the asari a chance. Nobody really noticed Kaidan standing up. He cleared his throat and waited until he had everybody's attention.

 

“ _O, Canada! Our home and native land...”_ his strong baritone voice rang out. The mess hall was dead silent except for his heartfelt rendition of his country's national anthem, all eyes on the biotic. Kaidan was really getting into it, with one hand over his heart and the other outstretched in front of him. He finished with flourish.

 

“Now, you're _really_ not Canadian if you don't know the anthem _en français._ That goes like this: _Ô Canada, Terre de nos aïeux, Ton front est ceint_ -”

 

“Dare I ask what the _fuck_ is going on?”

 

Shepard had opened the door to his cabin and was leaning against the frame, arms crossed and brow furrowed. Kaidan whipped around and snapped a quick salute, cheeks flushed. He winked at the commander as he smirked; he knew how much Shepard liked hearing him speak French.

 

“Sorry, sir. We were talkin' aboot my Canadian way of life and just having a bit of fun, eh?” He laid the accent on thick.

 

Shepard blinked a few times, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing.

 

“I really wish I could get my beaver paws on some real maple syrup now, eh? And _bacon._ Real, home-cured bacon. That would colour me red and white like the flag.”

 

The commander snorted through his nose. “And what would you do with the syrup, Lieutenant?”

 

“Oh, I'd bathe in it, sir, just like we do back home on the tundra.”

 

Ash and Joker were absolutely horrified. The aliens at the table didn't know what to make of the whole scenario; they usually didn't see the lieutenant so animated unless he had OD'd on coffee. He could be a real motor mouth when that happened.

 

“At ease, LT, and carry on.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“I want to see where this is going.” Shepard shifted slightly, settling himself more comfortably against the doorframe. An amused grin tugged at the corners of his mouth.

 

“Sorry, sir, yes sir, sorry sir. Sir!” the biotic's words rushed out as he turned back to the mess table.

 

“Wouldn't that be...sticky? And... _unsanitary_?” Tali asked, looking around the table. Kaidan sat back down and took a big bite of eggs while he came up with a suitable answer. Garrus started muttering about needing to get down to the hangar bay and recalibrate the Mako's cannons as he got up from the table. Wrex followed him, chuckling to himself. He liked it when the humans got flustered, but he didn't want to deal with the potential emotional fallout from Ash later. He got the feeling she didn't appreciate the lieutenant's sense of humor sometimes. Liara simply blinked in astonishment.

 

“Not if you use the proper amounts and scrub yourself with a fistful of maple leaves. They all have to be perfectly shaped and delivered by polar bear to your igloo,” he replied, “It makes a really great exfoliant.” He chewed on his bagel, staring at the gunnery chief. “If you can't get it delivered, you have to go 'oot' and ride your moose to the nearest 'ootpost', or drive your sled pulled by a matching set of beavers, screaming ' _FOR CANADA_!' all the way. You're lucky if you only see 10 hockey games on the way. Usually there's more like 35.”

 

“Wow, LT....just.... _wow_.” Ash crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair, studying him. Joker grimaced as he rubbed a hand on his forehead, hat slightly askew. Tali snuck away from the table at that point.

 

“Hey, you asked,” Kaidan said, dropping the accent, “Don't blame me for the ridiculous response you got for a ridiculous question. Why don't you act more 'Sironian' or whatever it is they're called from your colony?” She stuck her tongue out at him. He chuckled.

 

“Welp, I'll be going now...” Joker said, struggling to get up, “Thanks for the show.”

 

“I thought you had to see Dr Chakwas?” Liara asked, reaching out to help him. Ash watched passively.

 

“Naw, I made that up as an excuse to come down here and watch. Pay me whenever you get the chance, Williams.”

 

Kaidan fixed her with a look. “Pay?” he asked, less amused.

 

“Yeah, Williams. Something I should know about?” Shepard had slid into a chair next to the lieutenant unnoticed. His eyes twinkled mischieviously.

 

“I, uh...long story,” she mumbled, “He was asking if I had gotten to know any of the crew. We made a bet on if I asked LT about why he didn't act Canadian. He said I didn't have the guts to do it.”

 

Kaidan snorted. “He should know better,” he said, “...don't have the guts...” He shook his head. Shepard rubbed his temples, sighing.

 

“It's like dealing with a kindergarten on crack some days,” he griped, “Clear out, Chief, I need to talk to the lieutenant here about proper decorum.”

 

Ash stood up, glancing between the two of them. “I'm sorry, sir...I didn't mean to get anybody in trouble.”

 

“Oh, he's not getting written up or anything. It was hilarious. No, we just have to discuss when the proper time to bellow national anthems is; oh-dark-thirty is _not_ it.”

 

“Sir...” She gave a small salute and took the elevator down to the hangar bay. Shepard turned to look at Kaidan, knocking his knee into the lieutenant's.

 

“So...French? In front of the crew? I thought that was something you saved just for me.”

 

Kaidan's ears flushed delicately. “You know it is. National anthems in the native tongue don't count.” He took another sip of coffee as Shepard huffed a laugh.

 

“Whatever you say, LT.”

 

“ _Mais je ne dis, Shepard. Et ma parole va. Tu ne sais pas?_ [1]”

 

“I love it when you talk dirty to me.”

 

“Ha! Nothing dirty in that.”

 

“I can pretend, right?” Kaidan nudged his knee into Shepard's.

 

“Sure you can.”

 

“Alright, you crazy Canuck. Time to go to work.” Shepard clapped a warm hand on his shoulder as he got up, gently squeezing it. Kaidan heaved a sigh as the commander started towards the CIC.

 

“Oh, and Kaidan? If you sing that loud outside my door that early in the morning again, I'll toss your ass in the brig.” He disappeared up the stairs as the lieutenant laughed.

 

~*~*~*~

 

Glossary:

 

[1] But I do say so, Shepard. And my word goes. Don't you know?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yep. That just happened. Deal with the awesome.


End file.
